Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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