My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
