He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i came on her dog
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
