She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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