remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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