I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
