my phone needs a breathalizer
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
