Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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