She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.