So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
