My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i think we sleep fucked last night...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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