I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
