Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
