Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
