She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
And then he peed in my hair
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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