some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
