walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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