i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
