Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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