just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
