She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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