my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
