I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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