Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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