Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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