I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
