I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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