I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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