I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
