You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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