dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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