i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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