I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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