I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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