My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
