Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
