I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
