mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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