the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
