Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
