I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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