For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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