Your dad touched me again.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
