I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
