I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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