Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
