He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
