Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
