woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
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Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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