im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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