then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
