i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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