Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
whose parrot is this?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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