so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
