Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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