I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
