My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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