Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
