Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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