pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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