Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
