Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
