Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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