I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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